Am I Kidding Myself?

On self-doubt, shifting audiences, and presenting as an artist

There is a question that sits underneath this phase of my practice, and it tends to surface when I consider the next step:

Am I kidding myself?

Not in the sense of making work without direction, but in stepping into a different context with it. I won’t fully know where this body of work stands until it is installed, lit, and encountered in a gallery environment. Until then, everything remains, to some degree, untested.

Emerging, But Not Beginning

I am often described as an emerging artist, which is accurate in one sense and misleading in another.

I am not new to exhibiting. Within my gothic and curiosity-based practice, I have built a strong track record through large-scale exhibitions and expos, with a clear audience and a consistent visual language. That context is proven.

What is new is the shift in audience and aesthetic register.

Fragile Futures operates in a different space — conceptually, visually, and culturally. The expectations, language, and modes of interpretation are different. So while I am experienced, I am also, in some respects, beginning again.

The uncertainty sits in that transition.

The work itself is deliberate and researched, and the direction is not in question. What remains uncertain is how it will hold once it moves beyond the studio and into a system of curators, audiences, and institutional framing. That is where the doubt comes from — not from lack of intent, but from the absence of proof in this specific context.

I don’t move blindly, but I also don’t wait for full confidence before acting. The direction has been considered, and at some point, it has to be tested.

The Tension of Personal Presentation

Alongside this is a different kind of friction: how to present as an artist within this space.

There is a noticeable restraint in how artists are expected to position themselves — controlled, minimal, and carefully neutral. It is a form of curation that extends beyond the work and into identity.

That sits in contrast to how I have previously operated, where expression, personality, and a more overt visual identity were not only present but integral. In this context, that level of expression feels less accommodated, and I find myself adjusting in ways that don’t entirely align with how I would naturally present.

The question is not whether to adapt — that is necessary — but how much to edit without losing something essential.

Holding the Position

What carries me through this is not certainty, but a kind of sustained self-belief — the ability to continue without requiring these tensions to be resolved first.

It is possible to question whether I belong in this space while still applying for galleries.
It is possible to feel unproven in this context while still recognising that I am not starting from nothing.

The question “Am I kidding myself?” remains open, but it does not need to be answered in advance. It will be answered, at least in part, when the work leaves the studio and meets its audience.